Autumn Quarterly 2024

Everywhere trees released their leaves and needles; showering upon the hardening earth burnt and withered foliage of red, orange and brown. The cue to open my hands was not an easy practice. Being truly barren means to be truly seen.

For me, surrender came through a prying open of the fingers. Bareness came from a peeling away of brittle bark in revealing a smoother, softer interior of heart.

Hope and great expectations were not initial motivators in letting go but I was desperate to find them in the release of the control and security I assumed I possessed. Yet in the exposure of long kept yearnings was a drawing closer to the unfamiliar.

Joyfully, other narrow paths in the wood began to converge with mine. In the vulnerability of surrending the facade of blooms and attractive leaves so strenuously brought forth, was relatability. There was connection.

I must admit, shedding old habits and rhythms which no longer produced fruit was (and is) a more aggressive process than mere pruning. It has been a complete uprooting of withered things. Small tragedies occur when the old is made new.

In autumn, I had discovered a deep satisfaction in walking closer to the unfamiliar — a dance of allowed uncertainty. Everywhere the unfamiliar stages startled and surprised me. In the classroom where morning rituals altered from years gone by. In the garden, sucking the wounds of my forefingers after getting stuck training and dead-heading my first season of trailing roses. In parenting, as we tread deeper into teenage years. In marriage, erecting memorial pillars to strengthen our generational family. In life itself, navigating grief and aging.

The invitation to release what I had been clinging to for security and comfort is a welcoming inclination to rest. Even in the unknown. For a time, all the lovely output of beautiful, nurtured plants had served there purpose. As the cool breeze passes through to remove the scattered leaves, I too, continue to let go and seek the simple posture of being.